For Lexophiles



When she saw her first stands of gray hair, 
she thought she'd dye.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall; 
the police are looking into it.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; 

then it hit me.

Please tell Mrs. Algebra we're tired of looking for her X.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old 

was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side 

was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged for stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because
 they always multiply.


When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could 

jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand-alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; 
in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


A chicken crossing the road; poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine 

was fully recovered.


A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, result: Linoleum Blown apart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.


Those who get too big for their britches 

will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was 

Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, 

it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road, 

and was cited for littering.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. 

One said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on ahead."

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 

"Keep off the Grass."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how 

he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray 

is now a seasoned veteran.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

When cannibals ate a missionary, 

they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults; practice safe sects.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

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